Good Buy 6

Poured Concrete - The Out Of My Mind BlogDuring the record 35-day government shutdown, government workers and contractors weren’t the only ones hurt. There was fallout across the economy.

(We’re on the set at QVC, the home shopping channel. It looks like a typical suburban backyard, if you ignore the hundreds of bags of concrete piled everywhere. Also out of place is a six-foot by four-foot by three-feet tall wooden frame that’s about 7/8ths full of wet concrete.

On the set are Joey and Sonia. He’s a typical suburban husband, if typical suburban husbands wear wide-pinstriped black suits with bulges under their left breast pockets. She is a typical suburban housewife, if typical suburban housewives look like mail-order brides from Russia. In her short pencil skirt and tight cashmere sweater she shows off a figure to die for. Which is what would happen to any typical suburban husband who hit on her.)

JOEY: Hi. I’m Joey…

SONYA: … and I’m Sonia.

JOEY: We’re here to make you an offer…

SONIA (full of excitement): …you can’t refuse.

JOEY: Not quite, Princess. This is an offer you can’t get anywhere else.

SONIA: All time you tell people this is offer you can’t refuse. Can’t refuse. Can’t refuse. Sonia says it, it no good? Only you can say it?

JOEY: You don’t make offers you can’t refuse to your friends. And these are our friends.

SONIA: I go shopping now.

JOEY: I told you. I need you here if you ever want to see Little Joey again.

SONIA: Maybe buy expensive car. Drive around looking for rich man in better health.

(Joey talks to the camera.)

JOEY: Listen folks, I made a large investment in concrete for this former real estate guy who promised me the inside track on a large construction project out west.

SONIA: Which Sonia say don’t do. In Russia we learn never trust former real estate guy who join government.

JOEY: Let’s just say I thought I had a better relationship with this…

SONIA: …rat.

(She thinks.)

SONIA: Instead of car, maybe I buy see-through lingerie.

JOEY: Anyway, I borrowed some money from some…family members, who are now looking for, what you might call, a quick return on their investment.

SONIA: They tell Joey want money back.

(Joey looks earnestly into the camera.)

JOEY: That’s where you come in. You couldn’t buy concrete at these prices even if you went to another supplier…which I wouldn’t recommend.

SONIA: I tell Joey not to do business with relatives.

(She looks at her watch.)

SONIA: Ooo…it almost 5 o’clock.

(Sweat beads form on Joey’s forehead as he addresses the camera again.)

JOEY: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Joey, why do I need concrete? I’m not in the construction business like you and your business partners. But, let’s be honest. If your family is anything like mine, you’ve got a few skeletons in the closet. Which is a really dumb place to keep them ’cause it’s the first place the cops are gonna look. Am I right?

(He points at the concrete slab.)

JOEY: This is a much safer place to hide those skeletons. Even if they’re not skeletons yet. You put your kid’s playhouse on here…I mean…what DA is gonna knock down a kid’s playhouse? How’s that gonna look on cable news?

SONIA: Look like Russia. In the spring.

JOEY: Folks, If you’re one of the first ten husbands to call, my little princess will deliver your concrete personally.

(Sonia faces the camera and jiggles her breasts.)

SONIA: Sonia drive truck for Russian army.

JOEY: Call within the next three minutes, and use a burner phone, I’ll give you an extra five percent off.

SONIA: Also, I neatly fold soldiers’ uniforms and test their beds not make squeaky noises.

(Joey steps to the side where there’s an empty bucket and a sack of concrete.)

JOEY: Let me show you how easy this is. You just empty the concrete into a bucket, like this…

(He coughs and wheezes as he wrestles with the bag.)

JOEY (out of breath): …add water…

(Fortunately, the ersatz backyard has a hose with running water.)

JOEY: …stir and pour.

(He pours the concrete, which tops off the wooden frame.)

JOEY: How we doin’, Princess?

(She checks her watch.)

SONIA: Ooo, two minutes to go…

(A title appears at the bottom the screen: Only 1,465,880 Bags Left)

SONIA: …and so far, we sell incredible zero bags of concrete. That leaves plenty for rat if he change mind.

(Without a word, Joey climbs into the wet concrete and disappears.)


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