(We’re on the set at QVC, the home shopping channel. It looks like a typical suburban backyard, if you ignore the hundreds of bags of concrete piled everywhere. Also out of place is a six-foot by four-foot by three-feet tall wooden frame that’s about 7/8ths full of wet concrete.
On the set are Joey and Sonia. He’s a typical suburban husband, if typical suburban husbands wear wide-pinstriped black suits with bulges under their left breast pockets. She is a typical suburban housewife, if typical suburban housewives look like mail-order brides from Russia. In her short pencil skirt and tight cashmere sweater she shows off a figure to die for. Which is what would happen to any typical suburban husband who hit on her.)
JOEY: Hi. I’m Joey…
SONYA: … and I’m Sonia.
JOEY: We’re here to make you an offer…
SONIA (full of excitement): …you can’t refuse.
JOEY: Not quite, Princess. This is an offer you can’t get anywhere else.
SONIA: All time you tell people this is offer you can’t refuse. Can’t refuse. Can’t refuse. Sonia says it, it no good? Only you can say it?
JOEY: You don’t make offers you can’t refuse to your friends. And these are our friends.
SONIA: I go shopping now.
JOEY: I told you. I need you here if you ever want to see Little Joey again.
SONIA: Maybe buy expensive car. Drive around looking for rich man in better health.
(Joey talks to the camera.)
JOEY: Listen folks, I made a large investment in concrete for this former real estate guy who promised me the inside track on a large construction project out west.
SONIA: Which Sonia say don’t do. In Russia we learn never trust former real estate guy who join government.
JOEY: Let’s just say I thought I had a better relationship with this…
SONIA: Instead of car, maybe I buy see-through lingerie.
JOEY: Anyway, I borrowed some money from some…family members, who are now looking for, what you might call, a quick return on their investment.
SONIA: They tell Joey want money back.
(Joey looks earnestly into the camera.)
JOEY: That’s where you come in. You couldn’t buy concrete at these prices even if you went to another supplier…which I wouldn’t recommend.
SONIA: I tell Joey not to do business with relatives.
(She looks at her watch.)
SONIA: Ooo…it almost 5 o’clock.
(Sweat beads form on Joey’s forehead as he addresses the camera again.)
JOEY: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Joey, why do I need concrete? I’m not in the construction business like you and your business partners. But, let’s be honest. If your family is anything like mine, you’ve got a few skeletons in the closet. Which is a really dumb place to keep them ’cause it’s the first place the cops are gonna look. Am I right?
(He points at the concrete slab.)
JOEY: This is a much safer place to hide those skeletons. Even if they’re not skeletons yet. You put your kid’s playhouse on here…I mean…what DA is gonna knock down a kid’s playhouse? How’s that gonna look on cable news?
SONIA: Look like Russia. In the spring.
JOEY: Folks, If you’re one of the first ten husbands to call, my little princess will deliver your concrete personally.
(Sonia faces the camera and jiggles her breasts.)
SONIA: Sonia drive truck for Russian army.
JOEY: Call within the next three minutes, and use a burner phone, I’ll give you an extra five percent off.
SONIA: Also, I neatly fold soldiers’ uniforms and test their beds not make squeaky noises.
(Joey steps to the side where there’s an empty bucket and a sack of concrete.)
JOEY: Let me show you how easy this is. You just empty the concrete into a bucket, like this…
(He coughs and wheezes as he wrestles with the bag.)
JOEY (out of breath): …add water…
(Fortunately, the ersatz backyard has a hose with running water.)
JOEY: …stir and pour.
(He pours the concrete, which tops off the wooden frame.)
JOEY: How we doin’, Princess?
(She checks her watch.)
SONIA: Ooo, two minutes to go…
(A title appears at the bottom the screen: Only 1,465,880 Bags Left)
SONIA: …and so far, we sell incredible zero bags of concrete. That leaves plenty for rat if he change mind.
(Without a word, Joey climbs into the wet concrete and disappears.)
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