One of the great things about our country is the great way we immortalize our great historical moments. In our early days, we placed memorial plaques at the site of our great moments. As politicians slowly made the transition into the 20th century (commemorated with a press conference in 2004) they switched to commemorating our great moments with more efficient press conferences, where politicians felt they could explain why the great moment they were commemorating was such a great deal.
For this we have to thank the wonders of modern science, including video editing software and the declarative sentence, “I was taken out of context.”
Take, for example, this typical press conference to commemorate the recent hike in the George Washington Bridge toll to $15.
CUOMO: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming.
CHRISTIE: Isn’t that buffet kick ass?
CUOMO: As you know, we’re anchored in the Hudson, exactly on the border between New York and New Jersey, to make a historic announcement.
CHRISTIE: As of December first, when the toll on the George Washington Bridge rose to $15 round trip, our two great states now have the most expensive bridge toll in the nation. How’s that for crossing the aisle while we cross the river? (he laughs) God, this shrimp cocktail is good. Must be New Jersey shrimp.
CUOMO: We’ll take some questions. Bob?
HARDT: With all due respect, governors, the Verrazano Bridge toll is $16. Has been for a while.
CHRISTIE: I’m sorry, who are you?
HARDT: Bob Hardt, New York One news.
CUOMO: The guy’s a pain in the ass, isn’t he Andy? Hey, walk to the back of the boat. I think its ass is still in New York.
HARDT: You can look it up on Wikipedia.
CHRISTIE: (sarcastic mimic) You can look it up on Wikipedia.
CUOMO: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to announce that the highest bridge toll in the nation is in New York State, where it truly belongs.
CHRISTIE: Low blow, Andy.
CUOMO: Low blow? Like closing down those approach lanes without asking me?
CANDIOTTI: Susan Candiotti, CNN, governors. The point is moot. The Chesapeake Bridge-Tunnel costs up to $30 for a round trip.
CHRISTIE: You know, Susie, if you were to go over the George Washington Bridge and then through the Holland Tunnel and back over the bridge, you’d pay $30 in tolls.
CANDIOTTI: Why would anybody do that?
(Cuomo shrugs and looks at Christie)
CHRISTIE: Because the great states of New York and New Jersey give you a choice. It’s the Cheasapeake Bridge AND Tunnel versus Washington-Holland Bridge OR Tunnel. I think that puts us on top, Andy.
CUOMO: Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming to celebrate this historic moment.
CHRISTIE: Hey. I’m not finished. As you know, the toll is collected on the New Jersey side of the bridge. Collecting the nation’s highest toll is going to put New Jersey on the map.
CUOMO: Donald Trump likes to say we could put the map of New Jersey on you.
(They have to be separated by a steward, who drops his tray of shrimp cocktail.)
HARDT: Governor Christie. The shrimp cocktail? New Jersey doesn’t have shrimp.
CHRISTIE: I never said we did.
HARDT: I have it on camera. Do you want to see it?
CHRISTIE: Those shrimp were taken out of context.
To commemorate the bridge toll hike, CNN plays the clip of Gov. Christie and the shrimp cocktail for 87 consecutive minutes.
Gov. Cuomo’s bill to move the toll booths to New York is defeated after the president of the senate takes to the floor to ask “Who would pay $15 to go to New Jersey?”
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Hey, one of my greatest memories is of a girl I met in Atlantic City while we were in both in high school. She wanted to go through the tunnel of love. We did. I’d gladly pay $15 just to revisit the spot where she… well you know, high school girls in the 60s.
All that’s left is for you to hold a press conference about it.