One of the great things about life in the United States is our great tradition of freedom of speech.
Sure, there are limits, but if you didn’t ditch social studies you know what they are. You can’t yell “fire” in a crowded theater. You can’t say “This is a stick-up” to a bank teller.
And you can’t tell your wife she snores.
Okay, that last one isn’t in the textbook. You learn the hard way that even hinting about your wife’s snoring, say by sending her a box of nose strips from Amazon with a note that reads “Compliments of a Friend,” isn’t worth the pain.
For one thing, she will know you did it. This is because, if you’ve been married for any length of time, she has a computer hacker on speed dial for just such occasions.
And knowing she does will give you the kind of nightmares that make dreaming you’re naked at your high school prom seem as wholesome as an episode of the Dick van Dyke Show. You’ll still be up all night, but now you have to return the nose strips, and you’re out the shipping cost.
The only reasonable hope you have, unless you consider watching free HBO at a Motel 6 reasonable, is couples therapy.
This will guarantee the presence of a neutral third party who can help your wife overcome her denial. Only after she accepts responsibility for her snoring can the two of you move on to a real solution, such as your signing your name to the note next time.
(Dr. Fran Softnester’s office. It’s tastefully decorated with an overstuffed sofa, three overstuffed chairs, some end tables, and a floor lamp. Each piece of furniture comes with its own box of tissues. The pea-soup green wallpaper doubles as soundproofing that can muffle sounds up to the volume of a 6AM trash pickup. Because of its small, tasteful size, it’s easy to miss the hand-lettered sign over the fireplace reminding you to surrender your weapons. Also, the room is cold. Very, very cold. Especially once your wife enters. Bring a parka.)
DR. FRAN: WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL YOUR WIFE?
ME: HONEY, YOU SNORE.
DR. FRAN: TELL HER HOW THAT MAKES YOU FEEL.
ME: TIRED. ESPECIALLY THE NEXT MORNING.
DR. FRAN: SEE? THAT WASN’T SO HARD. MRS. DOUGLAS, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND?
WIFE: I DO NOT.
DR. FRAN: THERE YOU GO, MR. DOUGLAS. YOUR WIFE DOESN’T SNORE. HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?
ME: HOW DOES SHE KNOW?
DR. FRAN: LET’S STICK TO OUR FEELINGS, MR. DOUGLAS.
ME: I FEEL I WANT TO KNOW HOW SHE KNOWS.
WIFE: SNORING’S NOT SEXY.
DR. FRAN: I SHOULD SAY NOT. DO YOU FEEL YOUR WIFE IS SEXY?
ME: WELL, YEAH…
DR. FRAN: THEN SHE’S NOT SNORING.
ME: AND THESE NOISES COMING OUT OF THE BACK OF HER THROAT…?
WIFE: I’M PURRING.
DR. FRAN: SEE?
ME: I FEEL I KNOW WHAT SNORING SOUNDS LIKE.
DR. FRAN: IT’S EASY TO MAKE A MISTAKE. YOU’RE IN THE BEDROOM. IT’S DARK.
WIFE: WELL, I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
ME: I FEEL…OH, SCREW IT. HOW DO YOU KNOW?
WIFE: BECAUSE I’VE LISTENED TO YOU SNORE.
(I take advantage of the long period of silence to put on my parka.)
DR. FRAN: HE SNORES?
WIFE: LIKE A CHAIN SAW.
DR. FRAN: SO DID MY SECOND HUSBAND, EDGAR.
(DR. FRAN AND MY WIFE GIGGLE. UNTIL THEY START MAKING SNORING NOISES, IT’S NOT CLEAR WHETHER THE JOKE HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY SNORING OR WITH A COUPLES THERAPIST ON HER THIRD HUSBAND.)
ME: CHAIN SAWS CAN BE SEXY.
Just to be safe, I logged into my computer and deleted my email account, any pictures of other women, and any pictures of chain saws.
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I liked this one!!!! Everyone in our household snores, (including our feline children). We’ve both dealt with this issue and we even tell traveling colleagues because, who wants to share hotel rooms?
Hi Victoria…
I’m glad you liked the story and sorry about all the snoring in your family. I hope the cats don’t make you sleep in another room.
Also, it’s never a good idea to share hotel rooms anyway. Try to find one that’s never been occupied. Otherwise, you are sleeping with every guest who’s ever been there.
— jay
Great story, Jay, and I have to say you nailed the couples therapy. But then, how would I know that?
Hi Nick…
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed the story.
As for couples therapy, how would any of us know?
I took my individual therapy and wrote it twice. I figured I wouldn’t be that far off.
Never having been to couples therapy is no excuse for me to shrink from my writing responsibility.
— jay