DREW: Welcome to Who Wants to be a Millionaire, the special couples addition. I’m Drew Carey and I’m your special host because who knows more about couples than someone who is often mistaken for one? Let’s meet our first couple, Bert and Sally Ann Wizzle from Kalamazoo, Michigan.
DREW: The purpose of our couples edition is to give spouses a chance to yell at each other on stage instead of from the audience.
BERT: Ha, ha, Drew. We’re not going to yell at each other. We get along just fine.
DREW: Well, then we’re in for the dullest half hour in television. Sally Ann, why do you two want to be millionaires?
SALLY ANN: Wouldn’t you like to have a million dollars?
DREW: Not as much as my agent would like it.
BERT: We’re gonna buy a new house.
DREW: Well, that sounds like an excellent plan. Keep the wheels of commerce turning. Okay, here’s your first question. Oh, this is appropriate. Who wrote the book Men are From Mars Women are From Venus. Was it (a) Philip Roth, (b) John Gray, (c) Maya Angalou or (d) Gallileo?
BERT: John Gray.
DREW: Is that your final answer?
BERT: Yeah. Right, hon?
SALLY ANN: Four seems like an awful lot of choices, dear.
BERT: Yes, but John Gray is the answer.
SALLY ANN: Remember when I had four pairs of shoes and you thought that was too much?
BERT: Well, it’s not Gallileo. And it was written by a man…
DREW: It’s a little early, but you can use your fifty-fifty lifeline and remove two choices.
SALLY ANN: It’s up to you, dear.
DREW: I already removed two choices.
DREW: You know, technically, you only have fifteen seconds to answer.
BERT: I’m going with (b) John Gray.
DREW: What do you say, Sally Ann? Final answer?
SALLY ANN: Wouldn’t you trust your spouse, Drew?
DREW: I’d answer that, but fifteen seconds wouldn’t be enough time. The correct answer is…John Gray. You have five hundred dollars.
DREW: Don’t sound so happy. At this rate, they’re getting less than minimum wage. Your next question is worth one thousand dollars. In 2006, Pluto was demoted. After all those years. Wow, Disney is cold. I’m joking. We’re talking about Pluto the former planet. Astronomers now consider Pluto (a) a plutoid, (b) an asteroid, (c) a schadenfreude or (d) a hemmeroid?
BERT: It’s either plutoid or asteroid. Hon?
SALLY ANN: You know, it was so nice of Wanda to come with us today. You remember Wanda. My old college roommate.
SALLY ANN: It’s just been a while since I’ve seen her.
DREW: She’s here? In the audience?
BERT: Are you saying you want to use the plus one lifeline?
(He turns to Drew.)
BERT: I think she wants to use a lifeline…
(He turns back to Sally Ann.)
BERT: Say, “I want to use the plus one lifeline.”
SALLY ANN: You don’t have to get so upset. If you don’t want to talk to Wanda you don’t have to.
(Bert turns to Drew.)
BERT: We’ll use our plus one lifeline.
DREW: Sally Ann, with a plus one lifeline you can have a friend from the audience join you here on stage and help you answer the question. Is that what you want?
BERT: Bring up Wanda.
DREW: Sally Ann?
SALLY ANN: I think she’s sitting way in the back.
BERT: So she’ll walk to the front.
SALLY ANN: Do you want her to come up here?
BERT: Why are you asking me? This show was your idea.
SALLY ANN: You filled out the application.
BERT: Because you wanted a new house.
SALLY ANN: I like our house.
BERT: You said our house was too far from shopping.
SALLY ANN: I said that since they closed the Publix we have to drive further.
BERT: And when we went shopping you pointed out that house you said was so cute and so much closer.
SALLY ANN: I’ve always liked the Cape Cod style, that’s all.
DREW: Speaking of moving, we really need to move things along before that million is only worth a dollar and a quarter.
BERT: The answer is (d) hemmeroid.
DREW: That’s your final answer? Really?
(Shouts of “No, no,” arise from the audience.)
BERT: Unless my wife has any last words.
DREW: Wait. I’ll go to my dressing room and get my striped shirt and whistle.
SALLY ANN: Drew…
DREW and BERT: Yes?
SALLY ANN: Could I have a woman host?
(The show cuts off abruptly to make room for the next program, Family Feud.)
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