It used to be easy to tell you were watching a televised sporting event. There’d be teams, uniforms, crowds, a stadium, and something to kick, throw, dribble, or drop.
Now, cable networks such as ESPN have redefined sports as anything with a room, at least two competitors, and data.
Lots and lots of data.
JOE: FROM THE MAIN DINING ROOM OF THE BESSELFORD HOTEL IN DOWNTOWN FELDSPAR, WYOMING, WELCOME BACK TO ESPN’S COVERAGE OF THE SEMI-FINALS OF THE NATIONAL WATCHING-PAINT-DRY COMPETITION. I’M JOE SPIFT AND WITH ME IS RENOWNED INTERIOR DECORATOR AND TRUST-FUND BABY ELAINE MINTLEY.
ELAINE: YOU KNOW, JOE, THE BESSELFORD IS FELDSPAR’S OLDEST HOTEL, DATING BACK TO THE OIL BOOM OF 2011. ITS FAUX BRICK FACADE AND PLASTIC WINDOWS WITH SIMULATED WOOD SHUTTERS OFFER SUCH A PERFECT SETTING FOR TODAY’S COMPETITION.
JOE: SPEAKING OF WHICH, I SEE OUR TWO COMPETITORS, ED GIFLESTER FOR THE UNITED STATES, AND IVANA NYETSKI FOR RUSSIA, ARE IN THEIR TWENTY-SECOND HOUR…
ELAINE: 22.4, JOE…
JOE: …AN EXCRUCIATING .4 HOURS, I MIGHT ADD, AS THE HUMIDITY HAS DROPPED 8 PERCENT IN THE PAST FEW MINUTES. THEIR EYES ARE TAKING A POUNDING.
ELAINE: THOUGH UP TO THIS POINT BOTH COMPETITORS HAVE SEEMED EQUALLY MATCHED.
JOE: WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT THE ONGOING CONTROVERSY OF LETTING MEN COMPETE AGAINST WOMEN IN THIS SPORT?
ELAINE: IT’S WELL-KNOWN THAT WOMEN ARE 2.7 TIMES MORE PATIENT THAN MEN…
JOE: I CAN’T WAIT TO TALK MORE ABOUT THAT…
ELAINE: I CAN.
JOE: BUT LET’S NOT FORGET THAT MEN HAVE BIGGER BLADDERS, ELAINE.
ELAINE: SURE A HEALTHY MALE’S BLADDER HAS, ON AVERAGE, A 3.2 PERCENT CAPACITY EDGE, BUT IT ALL DEPENDS ON HOW YOU USE IT.
JOE: I UNDERSTAND NEITHER COMPETITOR HAD ANYTHING TO DRINK IN THE 48 HOURS BEFORE THE COMPETITION.
ELAINE: BUT IF YOU LOOK CAREFULLY, IVANA HASN’T SWALLOWED IN 18.25 MINUTES. SHE’S REALLY CONTROLLING THAT SWALLOWING REFLEX, AND THAT GIVES HER A 1.2-PERCENT EDGE OVER…
JOE: WAIT. LOOK AT THAT.
ELAINE: JOE, I BELIEVE YOU’RE RIGHT.
JOE: THAT WAS A HEAD BOB BY ED.
ELAINE: I’D ESTIMATE HIS CHIN CAME WITHIN 18 MILLIMETERS…
JOE: UNOFFICIALLY, 3/4 OF AN INCH…
ELAINE: …OF HIS CHEST…
JOE: THE JUDGES WILL BE LOOKING AT THE INSTANT REPLAY AND…
ELAINE: …WAIT UP, JOE, THERE’S ANOTHER HEAD BOB…
JOE: THAT’S GOT TO BE LESS THAN HALF AN INCH…
ELAINE: …OFFICIALLY I’D CALL IT 10 MILLIMETERS…
JOE: NELLY BAR THE DOOR…
ELAINE: I BELIEVE, JOE…YES…HE’S PRECESSING NOW, AT WHAT APPEARS TO BE A 47-DEGREE ANGLE AROUND THE VERTICAL. GOOD HEAVENS, THAT’S TWICE THE PRECESSION OF THE EARTH.
JOE: NO PAINT-DRYING WATCHER HAS EVER RECOVERED FROM MORE THAN A 36-DEGREE ANGLE OF PRECESSION…
ELAINE: I HATE TO SAY IT, JOE, BUT WE ARE WATCHING THE DOWNFALL OF AN AMERICAN HERO.
JOE: AND IVANA KNOWS IT. SHE’S BEARING DOWN ON HER BLADDER, NEAR AS I CAN TELL.
ELAINE: AND, THERE IT IS. CHIN-NECK CONTACT AT 2:03:46 MOUNTAIN TIME. YES…THE REFEREE’S BLOWING HIS WHISTLE. IVANA IS THE NEW CHAMPION. SHE’S OUT OF HER CHAIR…
JOE: SHE MAY BEAT THE BESSELFORD HOTEL BALLROOM-TO-BATHROOM RECORD OF 14 SECONDS, SET BY A BIFF BAMSFORD TWO YEARS AGO AT THE FELDSPAR HIGH SCHOOL PROM.
ELAINE: THAT WAS THE YEAR SOMEBODY SPIKED THE PUNCH WITH 180 PROOF RUM.
JOE: BOB HAS CRUMPLED TO THE FLOOR.
ELAINE: THERE’S A 90-PERCENT CHANCE THAT’S GOING TO PUT HIS CAREER IN THE PROVERBIAL 1.2-LITER LOW-FLUSH TOILET.
JOE: YOU’RE RIGHT, ELAINE. I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.
ELAINE: HOW ABOUT HIS SNORING IS SETTING A WESTERN-REGION RECORD AT 31 DECIBELS? OR HE WEARS A SIZE 16 COLLAR? AND THERE’S THE $598 HE OWES ON HIS MASTERCARD…
Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but I liked the days when the only numbers I had to keep track of were on the scoreboard or the players’ backs.
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