The year is 1947. Television is still a post-War dream. Families continue to huddle around the radio and listen as their favorite heroes take take them on exciting adventures. Heroes like…
ANNOUNCER: …CAPTAIN MI-I-I-DNIGHT.
(A bell tolls followed by an airplane roaring off into the distance)
ANNOUNCER: IN OUR LAST EPISODE, CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT, HIS SIDEKICK AND MECHANIC ICHABOD MUDD, AND TIMMY, THE YOUNG THIEF WHO STOLE THE BLACK BOX FROM THE MYSTERIOUS TIME TRAVELER, WERE IN THE LABORATORY AT SECRET SQUADRON HEADQUARTERS.
CAPTAIN M: THERE. I’VE CONNECTED THE LAST WIRES FROM THE BOX TO THE ELECTRONIC FORKIN’ TRANSLATOR.
TIMMY: WHAT’S FORKIN’ MEAN?
CAPTAIN M: I DON’T KNOW, TIMMY. BUT MY 6TH-GRADE SCIENCE TEACHER USED IT ALL THE TIME. IT’S IMPORTANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR TEACHERS, TIMMY.
TIMMY: I WILL FROM NOW ON.
CAPTAIN M: GOOD BOY.
(Sound of teletype clattering to life)
CAPTAIN M: AH, GOOD. THE FORKIN’ TRANSLATOR IS WORKING. WHAT’S IT SAYING, ICKY?
ICHABOD: ICHABOD.
CAPTAIN M: IT’S SAYING ICHABOD?
ICHABOD: NO, I’M SAYING ICHABOD. ICHABOD, NOT ICKY. THE TRANSLATOR’S SAYING A-1-7-Y-M-J-5-9-0…
TIMMY: BOY, THEY SURE TALK FUNNY IN THE FUTURE.
CAPTAIN M: I DON’T THINK THAT MAN WAS FROM THE FUTURE, TIMMY.
TIMMY: BUT HE SAID SOMEDAY WE’D HAVE COMPUTERS THAT COULD PLAY CHESS, AND TWO-WAY RADIO WRIST WATCHES…
CAPTAIN M/ICHABOD: REALLY…?
TIMMY: …AND THE CUBS WOULD NEVER BE IN A WORLD SERIES AGAIN.
(Captain Midnight and Ichabod ad lib, No, that can’t be right, Not a chance, No way, See, I told you he wasn’t from the future, etc..)
ANNOUNCER: SUDDENLY, FROM THE BOX…
(Buzzing noise)
TIMMY: IT’S BUZZING. AND THE FRONT OF IT IS FLASHING.
CAPTAIN M: STEP BACK EVERYONE.
ICHABOD: COME OVER HERE, TIMMY AND HIDE IN FRONT OF ME.
(Music Sting)
MOM: WHY, TIMMY, YOU’RE OUT OF BREATH. WHY DON’T YOU SIT DOWN AT THE KITCHEN TABLE?
TIMMY: OKAY, MOM.
MOM: CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?
TIMMY: CAN I HAVE SOME OVALTINE?
MOM: OF COURSE YOU CAN, DEAR. OVALTINE HAS LOADS AND LOADS OF VALUABLE VITAMINS AND MINERALS AND OTHER FOOD ELEMENTS THAT HELP BUILD STRONG, HEALTHY BODIES.
(slurping sounds)
TIMMY: AND I LOVE ITS RICH, CHOCOLATY TASTE. OH AND MOM, CAN I HAVE THE INNER SEAL FROM THAT JAR OF OVALTINE? I’M GOING TO MAIL IT IN AND JOIN CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT’S SECRET SQUADRON, SO I CAN GET MY VERY OWN ID CARD, INSTRUCTION BOOK, AND SECRET DECODER BADGE. I’M GOING TO DO GOOD DEEDS SO YOU AND DAD WILL BE PROUD OF ME.
MOM: AND NO MORE STEALING.
TIMMY: CROSS MY HEART.
MOM: THAT’S WONDERFUL, DEAR. BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEIGHBOR’S DOG?
(Transition music plays, then fades under.)
ANNOUNCER: THREE DAYS LATER, AT SECRET SQUADRON HEADQUARTERS…
(Music fades out)
CAPTAIN M: THAT WAS QUICK THINKING, TIMMY. USING YOUR SECRET SQUADRON DECODER BADGE TO DECODE THE MESSAGE FROM THE BLACK BOX.
ICHABOD: …AND 6.
TIMMY: THAT’S AN E.
CAPTAIN M: SPELL IT OUT, TIMMY.
TIMMY: EYE-PEA-AYCH-OH-EN-EEE.
CAPTAIN M: IP HONE?
ICHABOD: WHAT’S IT MEAN?
TIMMY: THEY SURE TALK FUNNY IN THE FUTURE.
CAPTAIN M: YOU’VE BEEN A BIG HELP, TIMMY. I’LL FLY TO WASHINGTON AND SHARE THIS WITH THE FBI.
TIMMY: CAN I GO WITH YOU? BECAUSE WHEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO BE A G-MAN.
ICHABOD: G-MAN TIMMY.
CAPTAIN M: NEXT TIME, TIMMY. RIGHT NOW, I’M SURE THE FBI WILL WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S INSIDE THAT BOX.
TIMMY: (slightly disappointed) OKAY, CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT.
CAPTAIN M: BY THE WAY, HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY PLANE?
Secret Squadron decoding rings, badges and whistles are available on eBay. In case anyone’s interested.
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Great piece, Jay. I was a big Captain Midnight radio fan back in the day. And then, when TV came in, it was all Tom Corbett Space Cadet.
Hi Nick…
I followed the Captain to television, where Richard Webb played the role of CM. By then, he flew a jet and was a World War II flying ace (the original CM earned his stripes, and his nickname, in WWI). And, yes, I did join the Secret Squadron. And, yes. I did drink Ovaltine. Once. To get the inner seal. Awful stuff.
–jay